An Idiot's Guide to Surviving in Seiritei
by CrazyTeddyBear
Summary: Because it's becoming blatently obvious to some of use that you new recruits can't get through one day without pissing off the wrong person. Sequel to 'Ichimaru's Guide to Pranking the Captains'.


**A/N: Just like with Ichimaru's guide to pranking the Captains, I can't really say where the idea came from. I can say that I took a lot of inspiration from WritingBunny's collection of bleach oneshots.**

**An Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Seiritei**

_**Courtesy of a group of Shinigami who want you to survive your first year in service (and who don't want to be the ones cleaning your guts off of the floor when you piss off the wrong Taicho).**_

_Hello there!_

_To tell you the truth, we wrote this on a bit of a whim. We're done all our cleaning, and there's really nothing better for us to do- which is odd, because as of late there's been a lot more messes to clean up. But we're bored, so we might as well do something for the better good. Not to mention this works out for us, since whenever a new recruit stumbles in and pisses of Taicho on a bad day, we're the ones who end up cleaning up said new recruits mangled remains off the floor. Now, it's come to our attention that we're not the only Squad with this messy problem; things like this have been occurring a lot lately. We've got it down to two factors;_

_The Captains are getting craizier._

_The new recruits are getting stupider._

_Now, there's not very much we can do about that first one, so we've decided to tackle the second one, which happens to be you. In other words, we've decided to write this book. Please read it through carefully; we're counting on you!_

**Chapter One: Your First Day**

We all know coming to Seiritei for your first day of duty after graduating from Seiritei can be a nerve wracking experience; like going to a new boarding school or high school (assuming you're from an era that had one of those). However, do not let it get the best of you! There's nothing a commanding officer likes to see better than a confident young recruit ready for duty.

Be warned though, that you should keep this confidence within boundaries. If there's one thing a commanding officer hates more than a coward, it's an arrogant asshole. While being a coward just gets ignored and handed the bad jobs, arrogant assholes will become the target of said commanding officers rage; and then we'll be wiping their guts off of the floor in no time.

So, now that you know how you should avoid acting, we have some tips for you on how to be a polite Shinigami, or at least one that will be socially accepted.

Know when to ask questions, and when to shut up and change the topic. There are some things that no Shinigami is comfortable talking about. This includes things such as how they died, how old they are, how they got those scars, etc. etc. etc. Acknowledge that virtually all Shinigami have led unhappy lives and therefore do not wish to talk about their pasts, and you will do well in the world.

Never comment on appearance details, such as height, hair colour, eye colour, make up application and other such things until you _really _know someone. A lot of people around here were bullied for how they looked, even called demons. The basic rule in the seiritei is we're all freaks of nature and we therefore have no place picking on each other when we could all be dead tomorrow. . . or today, depending on who you pick on.

On the topic of age, be careful. No one looks as old as they actually are. A Shinigami could be three hundred and still look like a little kid. Don't ever judge someone's capabilities based on age. Especially if that someone has the Zanpakuto that can control the weather and freeze you solid, and happens to have the biggest anger management problems you have ever seen. Not that we're warning you about anyone in particular . . . or anything like that.

You'll notice pretty quickly that all of the older recruits bully you to go drinking with them. There is a definite way to use this to your advantage. You see, if you wait about a month (no longer or they'll lose interest), and claim that you can't go with them because they're working then they'll admire how dedicated you are. Also, the added struggle of getting you to go out makes them really want to have you there. They'll see you as a cute friend that they really want to get to know better. *note* Never go out drinking with anyone above third seat, if you absolutely must then pour your sake on the floor when they're not looking. These people live to drink sometimes, and you'll be unconscious in no time around them.

Actually pay attention to your orientation. None of us want to know how you walked in on Kuchiki Rukia and Kurosaki Ichigo snogging on Kuchiki Taicho's desk, and you could have avoided seeing that if you had just listened to what Abarai Renji said to you during your orientation.

Anyways, these are some basic tips to help you assimilate better in your first month or so here. Remember, you are a fighting person. Social interactions should never come above training or else you'll end up killed by a hollow in no time.

**Chapter Two- Proper Respect and Behaviour Around Superiors**

For almost any other job this would be an easy section, and not all that important. For a normal boss accidently insulting them might end up in you getting fired, nothing more, and you can always find a new job. Here on the other hand . . . well, that's not quite the case. Please remember that this is a military organization, and there is no way to fire you. When people say that the Captains have ultimate authority they are not joking, within this compound- until you are stronger than they are- those Captains are gods. They have life and death control over you, so for goodness sake, be polite! To help you out, we'll cover all basic interactions you'll have with your leaders, and how you should and shouldn't respond.

For your information, C = Captain, L = Lieutenant, Y = You,

Introductions

First impressions are important. The wording from the Captain or Lieutenant themselves may vary, for example, Kenpachi Taicho likes to traumatize new recruits by going up and saying, "Who the hell are you?". Don't think that just because they're being impolite to you means that you can be impolite to them.

C/L: _I don't think I've seen you around here before, officer, what's your name?_

Y: _*BOW* My name is _, sir!_

C/N: _Nice to meet you, carry on._

Orders

This one requires no explanation, whatever it is, just do it.

Greetings/Goodbyes

Despite how they look or act, a proper greeting to your superior officer in the morning is important. Even if they're stumbling around still half asleep in their pyjamas the way Lieutenant Abarai does on Monday mornings, you still have to look awake. There is a reason why your superiors look so comfortable wandering around the barracks half asleep, and that's that they're there _all the time_. You get two days off a week, they don't. They get whatever minutes they can scrounge up. So if they look like they're taking a nap on the office couch, don't wake them up with an imaginary problem out of spite. They were probably up until four in the morning doing that paperwork you forgot to.

And these three topics bring us to a conclusion, and that is that if you're a polite young person, your life will go well. We have one last bit of advice to give you on the topic of your superiors, and that's kind of a summary of what this entire thing has subtly been about. So here it is:

Just because you see them doing it, doesn't mean you can do it.

Their ability to slack off and be eccentric comes from years and years of dedicated service where they risk their lives on a daily basis for people like you. So remember, while we might make them seem scary and insane, the fact is is that you shouldn't be afraid of them, but you should show them the respect that they're due. Because, really, when you look at it, they're ready to give their lives for you. They work those long hours to keep the squad running. There really is no replacement for a good Captain and Lieutenant. Anyways, that leads us into Chapter Three. Off we go.

**Chapter Three- Soul Society Laws**

Yes, we know there are a lot of them. And yes, we know a lot of them are ridiculous and annoying. However, that doesn't change that fact that they're still laws. As tempting as it is to break them, you shouldn't. Central Forty-Six has become more than slightly unreasonable in the past few years, even the slightest infraction is punished with execution, exile or imprisonment.

You think we're joking?

Masumoto fukutaicho has been in there, she swears on her life that she and Hitsugaya Taicho were looking around in there that they found a set of dice with those options on them, and they decide how a criminal will be punished based on what those dice land on, and there are only those three aforementioned options on them.

Anyways, you'll be able to figure out the basic laws by reading a textbook, so we won't go into very much detail here. This is more of a warning that you need to stay up to date with them.

**Chapter Four- Rumours in the Seiritei**

There are a lot of them, we won't even try denying that. And the sad fact is that more than you would think are actually true. This leads to people not wanting to talk about rumours, so when people make reference to them you will be more than a little in the dark.

So here is a simple way to deduce whether or not a rumour is true:

Can you trace its roots to either a jealous co-worker or Matsumoto fukutaicho?

You can't?

Then it's true.

This is Seiritei, nothing is too outlandish or impossible.

**Chapter Five- A Note on Ichimaru's Guide to Pranking the Captains**

The Captains found out about it, Ichimaru Gin had to go into hiding with it for two months. If you've managed to get your hand on one of the few remaining copies, we suggest that you destroy it before they find out you have it.

And we recommend that you do that immediately.

**End Note**

And that brings us to the end of our guide to the Seiritei. We assume that you already know basic self defence, and that you're capable of performing basic hollow killing jobs and don't need our help with things like that to make yourself look useful. (Even if you don't, we can tell you right now, take a look at your Zanpaukuto. Exactly, now see that pointy end? You stab the hollow with it.)

As long as you're good at your job, and follow these rules, then you're guaranteed to fly high. We know that times can change, so we've left a few pages at the back of the book blank.

Feel free to write your own notes! Just push that green button right there.


End file.
